24 August 2010

Is Tantra against relationship?

This was received from a student who's wife has not approved of him working with us. He outlines her complaint.

S.. has voiced some concerns about the school which I share to a large extent.

From conversations that S..had with Wendy, it seems like many men who take advantage of the schools offerings services do so behind the backs of their partners. It is difficult to imagine how a sustainable and holistic transformation in people’s lives can be accomplished when this involves people being less than completely honest with those who are closest to them. There is much that is questionable and worthy of review about the institution of marriage, but the fact remains that those women who married the men you are working with have dedicated their lives to them, trust them and raise children with them. This, in each case, is a major responsibility and it seems the school does not do what it takes to make sure that its work does not jeopardize this responsibility. This is all the more important because the school touches people’s lives at such a profound level.

When someone approaches me for a session I do not refuse him or her on the basis that there is some distortion in the sexuality or in relationship. Part of my work as a Dakini is to bring awareness to how the energies are flowing in the person and then to resolve the unconscious aspects so allowing the essential quality to be revealed. If a man comes to me with many constraints and lies to himself and his partner then we will begin to look at the lies and to notice how they are running his life.

The repressed qualities are ultimately a cause of some hurt and misunderstandings about the Truth.

I do not believe that a man not telling his wife he is working with me is wrong as such … it may be he is experiencing the freedom of how his life force flows and his Divine right to move energy where it guides him. When a person is attuned to one's own Being there is trust that whatever wants to flow in the moment can be surrendered to.

Guiding a person to exterior and then interior honesty is an important step on the path. In the pursuit of this it is not unusual for me to suggest communicating what is unfolding for them to their partner. Sometimes I make further sessions conditional around this issue. Wherever possible I will support couples in their lives together. Tantra recognises three major paths and I will work with you whatever your relationship structure.

The quality of devotion that women have to their husbands and children is exquisite and there is understandably an urge to protect it. The fear that comes with thoughts of its loss must be explored and resolved. I guess there is a belief that if a man learns something about himself with other women then the security of the home is threatened. It need not be so. At some point you must realise that using all your energy to keep a man faithful proves exhausting, painful and unproductive. In Tantra we encourage women to use their energy for their own awareness and to assist men to their potential not their constraints.

I am not in objection to what this couple is going through because I see their awareness is growing stronger and they are moving towards deeper intimacy.



  1. I find it a little strange this idea of "behind the backs of their partners" …

    One's relationship with one's doctor, therapist, lawyer and so on are one's personal and private business. Surely one's relationship with a Tantrika should be no different in that regard!

  2. Jennifer Jardine6:46 am

    Some relationships do not survive their current form when one of the partners seeks out therapy and/or healing of any kind. I speak from experience in having recently ended a 22 year monogamous relationship when I began a quest for my own healing.
    My conclusion is that if the couple does not focus together on opening to the amazing possibilities of healing sexual wounds, or any kind of wounding, that particular relationship has completed it cycle and is shifting into a new version of the relationship. Healing will always take place, if we resist it or allow it, allowing is a lot easier. "When we heal we are never healed alone." A COURSE IN MIRACLES

  3. Beautiful, clear writing Wendy, and well done for taking on this difficult topic. And my empathy to the student's partner. I know that this work can be very challenging for all who are touched by the field of awareness that it brings. It can certainly surface great discomforts. As Dakini, my approach is that awareness is of paramount importance. When more awareness arises for a student, this awareness is now available in all his/her relating. Perhaps it might also be useful for partners to understand that the role of a Dakini is totally distinct from that of a lover or a wife. That is not to say that there is not love and sexuality involved. Our focus as Dakinis is entirely on the awareness of the student, and that is where our energy goes in relation to him/her. Rahasya has written beautifully on the topic of Dakinis elsewhere in this blog.

  4. @shakti perhaps a "Dakini's for Dummies" would be useful. Oh she's not my lover - here read this...

    Seriously though. Okay maybe not a book but perhaps a video or blog post!

  5. I have experienced both sides of the problem. Been a closed down wife, unable to address issues of sexuality- both my own and with my partner. Been the sacred sexual practitioner with hurting men wishing only to love their wives from the well spring of their own sexual energy despite her constriction/ trauma/ withdrawal. Witnessed their pain and fear of denying themselves for an entire lifetime, out of 'love' for her and her issues. Experienced much supported change. Let each determine his and her own truth from deep within. Reaction, consequences will flow but who is to say what is for someone elses highest good? Only that person, I suspect. Love is big enough to encompass the complexities, is it not?