03 September 2008

My First Time

For the longest time I was wrapped in the cultural mind of what sex is and when sex is allowed, of what woman is and what of woman is allowed. I struggled for breath as I attempted some forms of the real of sex of the real of woman but I was lost in the dark.

So my search began. ....

This story today is not the whole story but a moment; the meeting of a Tantra master, Nityama.

He first appeared to me in a dream - a strong black man naked in a shower. I had been doing courses in sexuality in Harbin Hot Springs, California when I was told that this man, Nityama, may be of use.

He was not known then and offered me a meeting session for free. I stepped into his session’s room very aware that I was alone with a black man and I had come to him to learn more about sex - my South African white girl mind so perfectly set up in this moment. If I had the capacity to access my body deeper then I am certain I would have trembled with fear.

He first spoke to me. What I remember of the speaking was the explanation of the basic premise of the love relating between men and women. Men wish to please the Mama and women want to be daddy’s little princess and his favourite girl in the whole world. This sets up men and women in a cycle that is based on the unloved child’s view and not of beings that are in their fullness who relate and share from this fullness. It is a deeply unconscious space that perpetuates itself and for many people their awareness will never rise above it. In this place they cannot know the true of love. They can only know the demands and the fears of the child and live from there. Nityama explained that for this cycle to be broken the man must first say NO to the little girl in as much love as possible. But only in the no to the demand of the little girl can the woman be born. Then the woman in turn will guide the man to higher awareness and spirituality.

I felt the truth of these words. I saw them directly in my experience. This is what he needed to tell me. These words have remained as a backdrop deep into my journey.

We sat silently for a time, I cannot say how long, opposite each other. In this moment I felt as if the space around was alive and full and pulsating. I could feel the room moving. Perhaps in my understanding now I can say that his presence brought presence to me. He was a catalyst as the teachers of this school are catalysts.

He then cradled me in his arms and hummed. My mind along the way was making much noise especially when we moved to this physicality. My mother’s voice appeared “ All men want is sex”. My mind was making these noises but inside this holding I had a moment of sleep, so deeply he held me, and I was the infant completely held , held as she always wanted to be held. Still the mind noise in the midst of this beauty.

After, he left the room for something. I sneaked, ( am I really going to admit this..) a look at his appointment diary and it was empty. The conclusions I came to were ugly- in retrospect, who knows, maybe it was a brand new diary - what does it matter after what had been?

I did not have the capacity then ( 8 years ago ) to let myself in on the magnificence of this meeting. My mind simply wanted to escape. I left and did not return, until now.

I choose to share this moment because I see how sometimes people run from myself and the teachers of the school. I understand the running and I also know that if you truly wish truth and beauty as your living, you will return, if not to this school then to another, as I did.

As your capacity to allow the moment into your awareness grows, this itself is what draws you back to the work. When bliss hits, no matter how loud the mind objects, you will return. There is no substitute.

The return, is the journey to the truth of who you are and the full expression of that.

Namaste Nityama


Nityama now travels the world teaching. For the initial bliss session for woman of 3 hours he charges $1000 around R8000. For men it is $1500. I suspect his diary may now be full.