The tantra evening in Jo'burg last night was an interesting one for me. We had a couple of absolute beginners, Dakini Wendy, a sessions-client of hers, and a "fan" of these talks.
Every one of these talks (I haven't kept an accurate count, but it's around the 12 or so now) has been significantly different, because they are mostly driven by the questions people bring. Also, I often refer questions to the Dakinis, as they have really good answers. Last night we discussed (or, more accurately, I lectured) the tendency to quick ejaculation in males, recovering sensitivity and a few tricks for gaining aawareness in sex. We also did a couple of old breathing/pcb exercises.
What I said about the cause of premature ejaculation:
Males have this erection thing, which tends to be rather obvious, and isn't generally socially acceptable. Also there's generally judgement about masturbation (which I prefer to call "loving yourself") which leads to a need for hurry in order to avoid discovery and humiliation. This applies in the "average" home, and more so in boarding schools.
This leads to a habit few males get to avoid - and I didn't get to avoid it on my journey - hurried, necessarily rough masturbation. This triggers a prostate/ejaculatory orgasm mainly from the lingam (penis) getting slammed, hit, into the prostate gland, which is at the lingam's root.
The result of this is that most males have ejaculation before they are aroused... the main symptom of male arousal is the clear highly lubricant fluid produced by the Cowper's gland, not erection. Erection can be there just because there's a fullness to the bladder, and an occasional fading of erection during sex isn't a sign of a lack of arousal. A common view of the Cowper's gland function is that it is just to neutralise the acid of residual urine, making the urethra safe for the sperm. Even some renowned sexologists believe it's a "component" of ejaculate, and it's commonly called "pre-cum" by many.
There's a neurological and physiological equivalence in men and women. Like the woman's lubrication, the Cowper's gland fluid is present fairly early in arousal, and it's only the male's hurry and (obsessive) focus on ejaculation as the "goal" that gives rise to the idea that it generally appears only shortly before "orgasm" - often confused with "ejaculation" - they aren't always the same.
The male has the neurological possibility the woman has of "clitoral" orgasm, via stimulation of the glans (crash-helmet), the very thin-skinned head of the lingam. The experience men often have, of being very sensitive after ejaculation, is just the start of the "clitoral" response. Like a young woman having her first oral sex experience, he can be scared by the intensity of sensation, and, like the young woman, with a bit of encouragement, he can "tough it out" for a bit.. at which point things tend suddenly to become realy nice. This thing of the sensitivity arising in the man only AFTER ejaculation is just a symptom of his lack of arousal. Arousal is only beginning... and the ejaculation's already happened.
A male who can relax deeply into sex, drop the woodpecker thrusting, and take long enough with "foreplay" (A word I'm not fond of, because it perpetuates the idea of sex being a linear progression to a result) particularly oral sex, or gentle, sensitive penetration can experience this "clitoral" orgasm, and later continue, having an ejaculation a while later, or not. A woman who regards her partner's ejaculation as "premature" can help herself a lot if she realises that a man will typically "last" in coition for as long as the "foreplay" took as long as he's encouraged to not tense his bum and go into woodpecker mode.
Women of course, have things the other way around. The clitoral orgasm tends to be much more available, easier to reach than the ejaculatory G-spot flavour. An intensely erect lingam isn't the best for this. After arousal's been there a while, there's a natural tendency for it to soften slightly, which helps it stroke the G-spot particularly in women-above-facing positions.
The next Tantra evening in Johannesburg will be on 16 July. Go to http://www.sacredsex.co.za/rahasyatalk.html or click the "Tantra" link on the right to find out more.
-- Love, however it looks --